(( i try to make my rp journals interesting.....somewhat.))
~what's the use of living?~ I thought. ~life is nothing more then a lit candle, and when it's snuffed out, we die.~ I sighed and looked out of the window in my apartment.
"We will be together forever!" My mothers smiling face came to her mind as I listened to her cheerful voice.
"Yea.... " I whispered with a few tears sliding down my cheeks. "forever....." I went outside since my home was gloomy and strolled over to the park nearby. I found something familiar.
"Bluebells......just like.....that other garden...."I whispered. "Just like......mothers garden." I whispered sadly.
A distant memory triggered in my mind.
I was a little girl again, running after my mother in the garden and laughing. my mother was smiling and singing. And the flowers, were bluebells.
((the song is called sou gan if you care to know.))
"Hunan blentyn, ar fy mynwes
Clyd a chynnes ydyw hon
Breichiau mam sy'n dyn amdanat
Cariad mam sy'n dan fy mron
Ni chaiff dim amharu'th gyntun
Ni wna undyn a thi gam
Huna'n dawel, annwyl blentyn
Huna'n fwyn ar fron dy fam"
I laughed ran around my mother who laughed and sang.
"Huna'n dawel hana huna
Huna'n fwyn y del ei lun
Pam yr wyt yn awr yn gwenum
Gwenu'n dirion yn dy hun
Ai angylion fry sy'n gwenu
Arnat yno'n gwenu'n lion
Titha'u'n gwenu'n ol a huno
Huno'n dawel ar fy mron
Paid ag ofni, dim ond deilen
Gurdda, gurdda ar y ddor
Paid ag ofni ton fach unig
Sua, sua ar lan y mor
Huna blentyn nid oes yma
Ddim i roddi iti fraw
Gwena'n dawel ar fy mynwes
Ar yr engyl gwynion draw"
my happy vision ended and I was blinking in the harsh sunlight in the park.
"Just a dream." I said sadly.
I continued on through my day, walking through the memories that haunted me so.
"I'm sorry for being alive" i whispered.
~A phrase I keep on saying. I've always been whining softly
As my existence holds no meaning.~
I walked on.
~Everyone around me had parents
I was an outcast and cursed with none.~
I continued walking until i walked into the forest.
~ I remember this place. Deep in the forest stood an ancient tree and I always come here to pray.
Liking alone is very sad. I just want someone; anyone,
To be my friend.~
I walked on until i found that tree.
~I saw her again. My mother. near the tree.
I thought it was an illusion. But she hugged me warmly.
"Why are you so kind to me?" I said. "Is it pity because you know your daughter is so inferior?"
she held me and said to me through my tears as I cringed,
"You're the most beautiful daughter I ever had."
I cried in her arms.~
~Even if the entire world laughed and hated me,
I had a person who needed me.
That was all I need to be happy.~
~ but she was taken away from me one day.~
~my bastard father,
with his meddling with demons,
one day, our house was in flames.
My mother, she hid me and disappeared , promising she would be back.
She hugged me and said not to worry.
That was the last time I saw her.~
I stayed at that tree.
~She was gone. Gone and dead.
Why? why did it have to be?
I wish I could have died in your place mother.~
I held back my tears. Then i heard it.
They were coming to kill me too. They made such loud noises that I ran.
"Death.............the thing we fear most. But my only fear was what would happen if remained alive too."
Lady ran through the raining night.
"So I ran. I knew my bastard of a father would try to come and kill me too. And I knew others would come for me, others, whose only desire was money."
She kept on running and ducked into a alleyway to hide.
"But my longing was stronger. I wanted salvation. Of all the sensations, pain is the purest without ambiguity. you feel it or you don't"
in her dire attempts to escape life, escape reality. When your alive, days just drone on meaninglessly and without rhyme or reason. She waited for the following footsteps to pass and she ran on again. She stopped when she reached a cemetery and looked up at the dark foreboding sky. The raindrops spattered her face. In a way, it hid her tears and the thunder hid the sound of her crying.
"I had never experienced pain. But now i knew that I could visit it on others. A pain so strong, so intense, that it would purify the world. I had learned the truth, so I ran. The noise of the funeral did not mask my assassins approach. "
She didn't know that she was being followed.
"I hoped for a quick death. Hoped it would be possible. So I stopped running."
The stalker had taken out a weapon and pointed it at her turned back.
"I had never experienced pain, and I so want to feel it now."
The stalker stabbed her through her chest. Her eyes widened in shock as the stalker took out the blade and left her there, to slowly die.
"I wasn't disappointed."
She layed on the ground, slowly losing life, as her starring eyes looked up at the darkening sky. The blood pooled around her and her eyes still kept their widened shock in them. Strangely enough, as she lay there dieing, she could hear her mother's voice singing.
"Though the scent lingers, the flower scattered one day,
It couldn't even allow me to wander."
"The flowers in full bloom,
taught me one day that living just for the sake of it is a sin."
She coughed up blood.
"We can't be separated, I can't leave you
My feelings, holding on to them only make my heart excited."
"Though the scent lingers, the flower scattered one day,
I have no time to wander but I take a step back,
So frail that i depended on it and so weak that i can't be depended on,
the nightmare tenderly toys around me."
she grew even more faint.
"Just now you know, who know weakness,
Forgave the desires of those who seek it
the momentary beauty bloomed admirably "
"It might be too late for me to know it..
though the scent lingers, the flower scattered one day
i want to childishly entrust in everything of yours."
Her eyelids kept fluttering open and shut. Her consciousnesses fading
"I can't forgive you in my kindness and my desire to monopolize you wavers
They're selfish loves that can't be compared to one another.
Though the scent lingers, all of the flower scattered
my feelings spill into my short memory
oh dying life, be brief yet strong
like the merciless yet tender time."
She passed out as the blood around her enlarged it's self.